this week i have noticed a lot of ugly in my heart (great start to a blog post elizabeth – yeah, i know). but that is the truth. i have noticed a heart never satisfied because it is always comparing to everyone around me. i have noticed a heart that doubts my purpose, my identity, my value. i have encountered a heart trying so hard to be perfect yet falling short every time.
the worst part is my heart has been becoming like this overtime. i have ignored it – lived apathetically. done the day-to-day and pushed it to the side. covered up the sin by saying things like “it is just me trying to be my best” and listen to the lies whispered in my ears.
i have found myself in a place where life is good. it just is. i like my job. i like my friends. i like my husband. sure things are bad sometimes and sometimes they are great but mostly everything is just good and that made me apathetic. it made me lazy.
i didn’t need to pray about my marriage all the time because we were fine. i didn’t need to pray for a job because i had one. i did not need to pray and seek council over my relationships because i had no tifs with people. life was good. normal. easy.
so i skipped time in the Word & i stopped analyzing my heart. other things crept in – things like dissatisfaction and comparison. and oh, how i hate to admit that my heart looks like that.
so this is some heart talk. and maybe mostly accountability. it is too easy for this extroverted girl to never process her heart. i am a verbal processor so if i never talk about it, i never really think about it. but i have been talking about it this week and my eyes are opening to the darkness that i am sitting in (thanks to this post & some convicting conversations in small group).
i have no answers yet. and it is hard enough to admit that out loud, yet alone blog about it. i wish i had a three step process on getting your heart out of a rut. or ten ways to be glad you are you. but right now i am just broken. and messy. and aware of my sin nature.
i need Jesus. always. even when life is “good”
and i am so weary from trying to be perfect. so weary from trying to find my value. so weary from feeling like i never measure up. so weary from feeling like i have nothing to offer.
“come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. for My yoke is easy and My burden is light” – Jesus (matthew 11:28-30)
holding onto this promise. thankful for a God of grace. of new beginnings. of hope. of life….