this week i have noticed a lot of ugly in my heart (great start to a blog post elizabeth – yeah, i know). but that is the truth. i have noticed a heart never satisfied because it is always comparing to everyone around me. i have noticed a heart that doubts my purpose, my identity, my value. i have encountered a heart trying so hard to be perfect yet falling short every time.the worst part is my heart has been becoming like this overtime. i have ignored it – lived apathetically. done the day-to-day and pushed it to the side. covered up the sin by saying things like “it is just me trying to be my best” and listen to the lies whispered in my ears.
i have found myself in a place where life is good. it just is. i like my job. i like my friends. i like my husband. sure things are bad sometimes and sometimes they are great but mostly everything is just good and that made me apathetic. it made me lazy.
i didn’t need to pray about my marriage all the time because we were fine. i didn’t need to pray for a job because i had one. i did not need to pray and seek council over my relationships because i had no tifs with people. life was good. normal. easy.
so i skipped time in the Word & i stopped analyzing my heart. other things crept in – things like dissatisfaction and comparison. and oh, how i hate to admit that my heart looks like that.
so this is some heart talk. and maybe mostly accountability. it is too easy for this extroverted girl to never process her heart. i am a verbal processor so if i never talk about it, i never really think about it. but i have been talking about it this week and my eyes are opening to the darkness that i am sitting in (thanks to this post & some convicting conversations in small group).
i have no answers yet. and it is hard enough to admit that out loud, yet alone blog about it. i wish i had a three step process on getting your heart out of a rut. or ten ways to be glad you are you. but right now i am just broken. and messy. and aware of my sin nature.
i need Jesus. always. even when life is “good”
and i am so weary from trying to be perfect. so weary from trying to find my value. so weary from feeling like i never measure up. so weary from feeling like i have nothing to offer.
“come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. for My yoke is easy and My burden is light” – Jesus (matthew 11:28-30)
holding onto this promise. thankful for a God of grace. of new beginnings. of hope. of life….
This is beautifully written and beautifully honest, Elizabeth! Thank you for sharing. There are echoes here of some things I've been feeling lately, and your post was encouraging and challenging. Thank you! I hope you experience God's grace as you draw near to Him again, rejoicing that He is there waiting for you.
::hugs::
i love your honesty – your raw vulnerability.
admitting out-loud where we are in our journey with Jesus and in comparison where our heart is currently settled in…is hard but it is also the first step. i'm with you – my heart has been REALLY ugly lately. but praise God we have a Savior who sees past all of it – who reaches down into our pit and says "i still choose you". i think satan attacks us most when we are happy; and he does it in a way that is sneaky and manipulative. i love you girl – and i just wrote your name down in my prayer book, so know that our'e being prayed for. <3
Thank you so much for sharing this. You have encouraged me in my own struggles and I have been having to cut down the lies that have been slowing creeping up in my heart. You words are a precious reminder of a community founded in Jesus.
comparison is a really hard thing & sometimes i wonder if i'll ever get to the point where i can just see someone else for who they are rather than comparing myself to them. it's really hard and it causes so much dissatisfaction. i'm at the same spot – where i realize that my heart does this, but other than praying for the Lord to give me a new heart i have no idea how to stop it. i read something once that said "when we stop comparing ourselves to others and we stop looking at things we didn't know we needed…. we will realize we didn't know we needed them because we don't need them." it resonated with me and i try to remind myself of that when i'm feeling really dissatisfied. i hope that helps in some way! 🙂
Aaaaaaaamen!
And this is why I love you and your blog. Your bold voice is so refreshing and the words you wrote are the exact things I need to be reminded of. In good times and bad, I have to choose to praise Him and give Him the glory.
God's grace is A-MAZING.
p.s. And so are you, friend!
i love this message. i need it today!
Oh how I LOVE everything about you sharing your heart:) It is so refreshing! And I LOVE your new blog design and name:) Love love love! love ya, Katie
thanks Katie!!! You gave me that extra push to just be honest!
I am so glad you were encouraged by this! I so wanted to mask my feelings and post something else but I needed the cathartic process and it is so beautiful to see it bless others!