
Bruce and I have been married almost two years. We were best friends who got married and, while we do have our hard days, we have a blast together! Like any married couple, we have had to make adjustments on the way. We thought we were great at communication because we were good friends for years and even dated long distance. But after we got married, we started noticing a pattern of frustration when it came to weeknights & weekends.
At the end of a long week I was ready to wake up early to go to the farmers market. Maybe even get all dressed up and eat at a cute new eatery and have a photo shoot downtown. We would grab the rest of the groceries together and then hit the park with all our friends for a BBQ & sand volleyball. Coffee dates, shopping, theater, Church, Community group, and frozen yogurt. I wanted to pack everything into my days off.
At the end of a long week Bruce was ready for a slower pace. He wanted to sleep in, make breakfast at home, play video games, read a book on the back porch, grill out, play a game, and watch Netflix. Work on house projects, nap, build, hike, and rest. He wanted to do less to rest up for the new week.
It is pretty obvious to see where our differences lie, but each weekend we would just wing it and end up doing it all or doing nothing. We both wanted to love each other well, so we just went along with whoever was more vocal. No matter what happened, we would both end up feeling frustrated and defeated and not even knowing why.
I am not sure when this vocab worked its way into our conversations, but Bruce started asking me what my hopes were for the weekend. I am sure it was in a moment of desperation where he blurted out “What are your hopes & desires for the weekend?!” and I answered and asked him the same question. It was a question that came from his youth when his mother would always ask what his hopes were for break and she would share her hopes. It helped their family learn to express their expectations and be able to work together as a family. That weekend was better and we noticed it.
So we started making it part of our normal communication and before we knew it, we were asking it all the time. I would get home from work and Bruce would ask me my hopes for the night OR we would be laying in bed and I would ask Bruce what his hopes were for tomorrow OR during dinner Thursday night we would ask each other about hopes for the weekend.
THIS WAS HUGE. and as silly as it sounds, that little question helped our communication so much. You see, the problem was that we would make all these plans in our heads and then get to the weekend and expect them to happen. We would get frustrated that the other one didn’t have the same plans or wasn’t reacting the way we had planned. We would brush it off as the never ending introvert/ extrovert battle and try to do things our own way. We were hurt but unable to vocalize why and we realized it was because we both did not have the same excitement & energy in our weekend plans.
When we took the time to answer this question before anything began, we had time to really think about what we wanted and hear what the other person wanted. It gave us enough time in advance that we wouldn’t get defensive at the thought of our plans being so different. And together right there we would work out a compromise.
We would sleep in but go out for brunch. Then come home and Bruce would work on house projects and I would meet a girl friend for coffee. We would have a couple over for dessert and games. The next day we would go to church, come home and have computer time that afternoon ( I blog, he video games). Make dinner, go on an after dinner hike, and then watch a movie together.
It sounds so simple and really it is but it took us months (like years) to learn how to do best! Here are some quick tips that I have learned on the way:
ASK
Make sure to ask this question soon enough to plan according to the answers you hear. That time frame changes depending on what you are looking forward to – date night, lunch, evenings off, weekends, vacations, etc.
PLAN
Together come to a decision that includes hope from both of you. It might not be every hope every time but make sure that you both are doing something you had hoped for.
STICK TO IT
When you make a plan together you start looking toward the night off or the weekend with the same mind. You know the plan is sleeping in on Saturday so you don’t have to be surprised or frustrated when he does. You use the time as extra rest or to catch up on sending letters to friends. And he can sleep in knowing that when he wakes you won’t be in his face about how you had been waiting for him to wake up to go to the farmers market.
I know what it feels like to be overwhelmed knowing that I married my opposite and frustrated that we have different minds. But I also know how wonderful it is to marry my opposite and have someone who shows me a whole new side of things. When you work together and ask the right questions, those overwhelming moments can be less and those fun moments can be more!
Absolutely love this! My husband and I are the same way! I love to pack my weekends and he likes to take it easy. After getting frustrated with one another early on in the marriage, we started thinking about one another. I let him sleep in on Saturdays and this allows me to have some quiet time to myself. I can paint my nails, read some magazines or catch up on my favorite TV show! Then, when he gets up, we decide what we will do with the rest of our day! We really work to blend our visions for the rest of the weekend!
So great! I love that we are not the only ones who struggle with weekend plans!
We couldn’t articulate why we were upset every weekend but when we started vocalizing our dreams & hopes before the weekend we realized we both had expectations that were not being met! Just talking about it helped us both do some of the things we wanted but most importantly, have the same expectations when it came to the weekend because we discussed them (and not imagined them in our own separate minds!)
I love you guys and your differences and the way you communicate about them to each other. You are doing a great job, lady.
HAHA. Thanks Megs!
I love this! Thank you for the honesty and the advice! 🙂 My husband and I have been married just about 4 months now, and I can relate to a lot you said in your post. Being best friends, I totally thought we had communication down pat – but, you never quite know everything about a person and their communication styles till you live with them! Ha. I’m also realizing that your expectations of what marriage is like/should be/could be are a really important thing to be aware of as a newlywed! Thank you for this post!
Hannah Olson 🙂
Just Bee | http://www.justbeeblog.com
This is awesome! I am definitely emailing my husband this post. I had never really thought about it this way, but it totally makes sense. T
Love this and find so many similarities in it. Communication is SO important!
Such a great post. My hubs and I are complete opposites too so I understand this whole not meeting “unspoken” expectation thing. We have definitely gotten better but I love this clear approach to the whole thing 🙂
Great comments about communication. I think that I’ve learned it’s important to make time for my spouse. This sounds easy, but life gets so busy. But it’s important to talk to one another and check in, especially during those busy time.
love this! 🙂 my husband is like you & i am like Bruce! so it is a tough balance sometimes! but i love the question you guys ask each other & need to adopt that practice!
Such an adjustment to start taking into account someone else’s weekend desires into your weekend plans.
For reals! But it is so doable with a little communication and before thought!
Fantastic!!!! Thank you!
xoxo, “other” Oats 🙂
I am so glad you were encouraged! And Yes, twinning!!